Report
Characters
Kevin – Main character
Donna – Kevin's wife
Nancy – Kevin's boss
Johnson – Coworker
Mike – Coworker
Bill – Coworker
Scene 1
Kevin has finished getting ready for work and he sits at the table for breakfast, which his wife Donna has prepared for the two of them. The clock on the back wall reads 6:10am.
Kevin: (Thinking) Man, another day. This week has just drug on and on. I am so glad we are leaving for the Caribbean today. I don't think I'm going to be able to get anything done at work today; I should have just taken the day off. And traffic is always the worst on Fridays, everybody's trying to leave town, nobody knows how to merge or use their signals. Man, I'm frustrated already. At least the day is starting out right: Bacon, just the right crispiness, fried eggs all the white is cooked and the yolk is runny enough to dip my toast in, and fresh orange juice to top it off. Pretty soon, all I'm gonna have to do is hang around in the cabin on that big ol' boat, sip fruity drinks and relax. Man, life is great…
(Donna interrupts his thought.)
Donna: So, Kevin, do you think you're going to be able to get off early today so we can get started on the drive to the coast. We board early tomorrow morning, so I'd like to check into the hotel in time to get enough sleep tonight.
Kevin: Sounds like a great plan, honey. I'll have to give it a try, but you know how ornery my boss can be. I'm sure she'll have some ultra-critical-plus-plus-plus job for me to do. Of course it'll be something that could have been done yesterday or even last week, but these things only seem to come up when I want to leave early.
Donna: Don't be so negative, sweetie. Just think, we're gonna have a wonderful time in the Cayman Islands, Playa Del Carmen, the Yucatan. I can't wait to have formal dinners, see the Mayan ruins, see all of that culture, swim in the ocean, work on my tan, listen to great music, see all the shows, maybe spend some time in the casino, and of course spend some much-needed quality time with you…
Kevin: I can't wait to get on that buffet line.
Donna: Excuse me?
Kevin: And spend time with you, of course. That goes without saying.
Donna: It shouldn't.
Kevin: Shouldn't what?
Donna: Go without saying.
Kevin: Gotcha. Right.
Donna: Don't you like it?
Kevin: What?
Donna: Your breakfast.
Kevin: Of course! It's great, thanks!
Kevin kisses her, and heads for the door.
Kevin: I'll see you after work, sweetie.
Donna: Okay, have a good day.
Scene 2
A cubicle decorated with comics, pictures of family members, magazine articles about trucks, and various printed email messages. Everything on the desk is organized neatly. The inbox is empty. The clock on the wall reads 7:30am.
Kevin: (Thinking and clicking at the mouse) Now if I can get all my regular stuff done before Nancy gets in she may let me take off before lunch. All the servers look good. No errors in the logs. No long-running jobs last night. It looks like all the nightly reports printed out just fine. The stats for the day got emailed out to the business analysts. All the backups are finished, no failures. Man, nothing's broke.
(Lights go dim. Kevin is looking busy at his desk. Ticking clock sounds. Lights come back on full. The clock reads 8:45am.)
Kevin: (Thinking) Man, Nancy's forty-five minutes late. How typical, she's gonna waltz in here, oblivious to the time, and start demanding I get something done. I just know it. Wait a minute, Kevin. Just be a little more positive, okay? Alright, fine.
(Lights go dim. Kevin is looking busy at his desk. Ticking clock sounds. Lights come back on full. The clock reads 9:15am. Nancy comes waltzing in, oblivious to the time.)
Nancy: Morning, Kevin.
Kevin: Morning, boss.
Nancy: You know I hate that.
Kevin: What, my cubicle?
Nancy: No. I have a name, you know, stop calling me boss.
Kevin: Okay.
Nancy: Okay what?
Kevin: Okay… Nancy.
Nancy: That's better. Now, is anything blown up this morning?
Kevin: No, actually. Everything looks good.
Nancy: That's great. (Starts to leave)
Kevin: Hey, Nancy. I wanted to ask you something.
Nancy: You want to leave early?
Kevin: Well… Yes… Actually.
Nancy: Aren't you taking vacation time next week?
Kevin: Yes, we're heading to the coast to get on a cruise. I was hoping to get an early start today.
Nancy: And you didn't take today off because… (Puts her head down, eying Kevin over her glasses, pausing)
Kevin: Well, all I have are five vacation days.
Nancy: (Still pausing, finally breaking the awkward silence) …well I suppose I can let you leave a little early, but something has come up.
Kevin: (Thinking, looking at the audience) AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH! (Looking back at Nancy) What do you need me to do, boss - I mean Nancy?
Nancy: I have an audit meeting on Monday, and I really need that server inventory report for the auditors.
Kevin: That was supposed to be next month.
Nancy: Your point?
Kevin: I'm almost done with it anyway, so I'll put the finishing touches on and get it to you before lunch.
Nancy: Perfect!
Scene 3
Kevin is at his desk, working fast, glancing from his notebook to his computer and back to his notebook, all the while the constant ticking and tapping of the keyboard. Johnson peeks over his cubicle wall at him. The clock reads 11:15am.
Johnson: Howdy, Neighbor.
Kevin: (Pausing for a moment, finally looking up) Hi, Johnson. What's up?
Johnson: I was just going to ask you the same thing. Looks like your pretty busy. Have something you're trying to finish for Nancy before you can leave today?
Kevin: Of course, what else do you expect?
Johnson: Just thought I'd give you some friendly advice. Nancy is in one of those moods today. Make sure you do a little more than you think she's expecting of you.
Kevin: I'm just about finished. (Hits a key, taps the mouse button, the printer on his desk begins to buzz and whir) There, now it's ready. It'll be fine. I've got everything in there that she asked for. It'll be fine.
Johnson: Okay. (Walks away)
(Kevin picks up the report on his printer and marches down the hall. Suddenly he stops, arms out, balancing himself, he dives behind a potted plant. Bill walks by, talking to himself, and doesn't notice Kevin hiding behind the plant.)
Kevin: (Crawling out from behind the plant and standing back up) Man, that was close. If Bill saw me, I'd be stuck talking to him all day. It's almost lunch time, and if I don't get out of here soon, I'm not gonna dodge the traffic.
(Kevin walks into Nancy's office. Her desk is covered in papers, unorganized and messy. The inbox is spilling off to the side. Her computer monitor has a stack of papers on it as well. The clock reads 11:45am.)
Kevin: Boss - I mean Nancy, I have that report ready for you. (Hands her the report)
Nancy: Great. (Looking over the report) Server names, serial numbers, descriptions, vendors, contact information, specs… looks like it's all here.
Kevin: Well, I did put everything that you asked for in it, and…
Nancy: (Interrupting him) Wait a minute. Where are the asset tag numbers?
Kevin: (Thinking, looking at the audience) AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH! (Looking back at Nancy) Asset tags?
Nancy: (Head down, looking at him over her glasses) Those little white labels, with the company logo on them and a 14 digit number. They're only on every piece of equipment the company owns.
Kevin: I know what they are, Nancy. You just didn't ask for that information for this report…
Nancy: (Interrupting him) Regardless, this report has to have them, and you're going to put that information in it, otherwise it won't match up with the auditors' reports; all they have to go on is asset tag numbers. It all has to match up, Kevin. Without them, you report is useless for this meeting.
Kevin: No problem. (Turns and runs back toward his cubicle)
Scene 4
Kevin is at his desk, the tick-tap of the keyboard louder than before; he glances again from notebook to computer screen and back. The clock reads 2:00pm.
Kevin: Okay, I've got these numbers in, but I need the asset tag information from the servers in our warehouse. I guess I can give Mike a call, since he's out there today. (He fingers the phone list on the wall, picks up the phone and hits the four-digit extension) Hello, Mike.
Mike: (On the phone across stage) Yup.
Kevin: Hey Mike, this is Kevin. I need to…
Mike: (Interrupting him) Kevin! How's it hangin', bud?
Kevin: Oh, I'm fine Mike. I just have this report I have to get…
Mike: Sucks to be you!
Kevin: Seriously, Mike, I was wondering if you could get me the asset tag numbers off the servers out there.
Mike: No problem, man. So, how's you fantasy football team doin'?
Kevin: Not so well, I've lost the last two matchups, but I really need to get this report…
Mike: I'm in first place still, myself. I swear, if this league wasn't full of idiots, I'd maybe find it somewhat of a challenge.
Kevin: Thanks, Mike. Now, about those asset tags…
Mike: Twenty one, fifteen, six, eight, fourteen, seven, nine…
Kevin: Wait. What server is that on?
Mike: Server? Naw these are the numbers my players brought in this week.
Kevin: Mike, I need to get this report done now!
Mike: (Pausing) You have a serious attitude problem, Kev. You know that?
Kevin: Sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to…
Mike: (Interrupting him) Apology accepted. Now, what is it you needed?
Kevin: I need the asset tag information on the servers out there. Do you think you could get those for me?
Mike: No problem.
(Lights go dim. Kevin and Mike continue talking on the phone in the background. Ticking clock sounds. Lights come back on full. The clock reads 2:30pm.)
Kevin: Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate it.
Mike: No problem, bud. Now if you need any advice on your fantasy team, just give me a holler.
Kevin: Will do, Mike. Thanks again. Bye. (Hangs up phone) Okay. Save. Print. (Printer buzzes and whirrs, he grabs the paper off the printer, staples it and heads out the door into the hallway) Oh crud, it's Bill. (He dives behind the potted plant again, but this time Bill sees him)
Bill: Kevin? What are you doing down there?
Kevin: (Pauses) Me? Oh, I uh, thought I saw something. (Crawling out from behind the plant and standing back up) How are you?
Bill: Oh, I'm fine, except my arthritis has started up again. I swear I take more pills than…
Kevin: (Speaking to the audience, Bills voice in the background) Great, I'm gonna have to sit here listening to his stories about what hurts where, who forgot his prescriptions, who he saw at the mall, what he ate for breakfast, and what foods make him mess his drawers. At this rate I'll never get out of here. (Looks at wristwatch) It's already two thirty, and traffic is probably piling up by now. I gotta do something. (Thinks a little, then dances around and addresses Bill) Man, I gotta go. And when you gotta go… well you know. (Runs into the bathroom)
Bill: I do know. (Follows him into the bathroom, talking about various ailments, gripes and politics)
Kevin: (Bursting out of the bathroom door, closing it behind him, grabbing a nearby chair and wedging it under the door handle) There, that should do it.
(Kevin Quickly fixes his hair, brushes off his shirt, looks at the report in his hand and heads to Nancy's office, she is sitting at her desk.)
Kevin: Boss – I mean Nancy, I have that report.
Nancy: Did you get the asset tag information put into that report?
Kevin: Yes ma'am. It's all right here. (Hands her the report)
Nancy: (Quickly eyes the report) Great work, Kevin. (Banging can be heard in the background) What's that noise, Kevin?
Kevin: Yeah, I got all the asset tag information in there. (Directs her attention to the report) You see right here. And I even alternated the rows with shading so you can follow each line across better.
Nancy: Excellent work, Kevin.
Kevin: Thanks, Nancy. I really put a lot of effort into it.
Nancy: Okay, you can leave now, but don't forget to forward your phone to voice mail and turn your email out-of-office notification on.
Kevin: Will do. Thanks! (Quickly walks down the hall, grabbing the chair from under the bathroom door knob, putting it back in place)
(Bill exits the door, looking at the handle the whole time. Scratches his head and takes a closer look.)
Bill: Well I'll be durned. I could have sworn it was locked.
Scene 5
Kevin I sat his desk, putting things away, turning off his computer, and turning off the desk lamp. He picks up the phone and dials. The clock reads 2:45pm.
Kevin: Hello Sweetie.
Donna: Hi, Kevin.
Kevin: Nancy said I can leave now, so I'm about to head out the door.
Donna: That's great. Now, on your way home I need you to stop at the store and pick up some carrot sticks and Ranch dressing for the drive. I have everything packed and… O wait, someone's calling on the other line. (Clicks over)
Kevin: (Waiting patiently, holding the phone between his head and shoulder continues putting things away in his cubicle) Man, I can't wait to get out of here. What's taking so long?
Donna: (Comes back on the line) Kevin.
Kevin: I'm still here.
Donna: That was the travel agency. They said the cruise has been cancelled due to bad weather in the Gulf, and all they can do is give us a discount on a trip next season.
Kevin: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHH! (This time not to the audience)
Donna: (Long pause) Whoa, chill out there, Kevin. That was really your mother. She just called to wish us luck on our trip.
(Lights go dim, the sound of the clock ticking and a spotlight on the clock. The clock reads 3:00pm.)
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